Cedric Murray.
The death of one of the country's most notorious gangsters last month, elicited some shock from rattled members of the public because of a detailed diary that was found near his body.
Cedric Murray, 37, alias "Dawgie", a lieutenant of the feared Stone-Crusher Gang in St. James, was shot dead by police on his birthday, August 12.
His diary, chronicling the last few years of his life, has been obtained by RJR News.
Who Am I?
Murray was clearly a haunted man...
Many of the diary entries, hand written in fairly good English, outlined days of deep depression over the turn his life had taken and isolation from all he loved.
The question "Who Am I?" appears time and again as Murray tries to work out how he became a gun-toting gangster at age 11 or 12 and finally, a relentlessly hunted fugitive of the law.
On January 1, 2009, Murray writes "I am just a man, with many issues, some good some bad, but i am a person with emotions, feeling and fears and dreams...a man who knows God."
Almost every page makes some reference to the gangster's belief and faith in God.
Royal Princess
Also mentioned frequently throughout is his love life with special references to one he calls his "Royal Princess".
It is clear his gangster lifestyle caused quarrels between them and he writes of hitting her in a fit of rage.
In the same entry he confesses that she is right to be afraid to be with him and he feels she will likely leave him.
Murray also makes frequent references to his six children, who seem to be the only source of joy for him.
He worries about how their future will play out as the offspring of a wanted man and gangster.
Vampires
Murray's support of and loyalty to Christopher Dudus Coke is stated candidly.
He is equally candid in cursing the government, especially Prime Minister and West Kingston MP Bruce Golding as well as the security forces, whom he calls vampires.
The days of the Tivoli incursion on May 23 and 24 are also chronicled:
"I fired my AK until my finger was numb... I eat gunpowder until my throat sore" he writes.
He rejoices that he and Coke managed to escape the security force dragnet that day and mockingly notes that the government's efforts were in vain.
Prophetically, the gangster expected to have to fight to the death although he blamed his notoriety on the government the police and the media, who, paradoxically, he claimed, muddied his name.
Throughout Murray is careful not to reveal too much about crimes he committed but admits that he will kill if he has to.
Best friend
The last diary entry is dated ten days before his life ended in a blaze of gunfire in a shootout with the police.
Murray laments what his life has come to and writes about not knowing which way to turn.
His self-pity soon turns to praise of God for keeping him alive, then anger at the police, who he says will get a bullet if they try to draw him out.
"My gun is my best friend", he writes finally, "we are always together, always..."
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